Reaching the top: Now what?

Getting to the top is always a thrill. But then come the questions. What's next?

I made it to the top level of FarmVille, seven months after I started playing so that my daughter could get enough neighbors to get a larger farm. Since then, playing has become addicting and fascinating. Addicting because there are so many changes. Fascinating because, well, the changes but also why and how people play.

Here's what I wrote on FarmVille when I finally had enough points to become "World Fair Champ."
 

Made it! Level 70!

A hat tip to the mentors - Hussein, Sunil, Stephen and more; A thank you to all who helped with the fertilizing, the gifting, and creativity; A hug to all who encouraged me; A salute to all of you whose positive reactions encouraged me to keep on writing and sharing my thoughts.

This lark of a game reminded me how important new and old friends are, how important connections are, and why I've always loved the magic you can create online and off. Thank you for being my village, my community, my family.

  That's probably enough for now. I started with a bad attitude about this social media game. I ended up learning more than expected. I want to create the next one for Girl Scouts.

This blog post started on FarmVille
 

Bugged: Lasso the bull

Bugged? Of course. But I've driven too many miles this week and walked far too much. (Is it good news or bad news that the soft cast fits again?) to be able to make sense.

There are many more miles to drive and walk yet this week.

Still, I'm not sure how much longer I can toe the line, any line, before I say enough is... enough and take matters into my own hands. The Internet may be a wild place, but I'm ready to lasso the bulls.

This post was started on FarmVille, prompted by completing a bug collection. That completion lets me brag to my friends and give them a chance to get a bug for their collections. Completed collections mean FarmVille coins, points and a reward of fuel. Fuel lets you plant, harvest and plow faster.

If I disappear .....

Someone is reporting I'm abusive on most of my online services, so if this blog may go again too

.... If it's you reporting, please why do you think so?

Update: I'm back and so is this blog though it will be moving shortly. I also hope to post soon about what happened and why.
3/7/10

Yes, I play FarmVille. Yes, I talk a lot. So what

I'm asking for help with this barn and with more.

If you don't like that I'm sharing thoughts here, or in my blog, realize you have the power. Tell me and I can take you off the farm list and you'll get no more notices via FarmVille.

Or go ahead, defriend me on Facebook. I hope you'll say good bye first. Your choice.

But here's the deal: I can stop. No, I won't stop.

Sharing, talking/chatting with you is what makes Facebook, FarmVille interesting to me. (oh, don't forget to click to help expand my barn.)

This post originated in FarmVille, a social media game that encourages blogging by providing prompts with each bonus, announcement and triump you are invited to share with your Facebook friends. This time I needed 10 people to click and help me increase the size of my barn so I could store more virtual items.

Use today for thanks

In the United States, today is Sunday, which means many will head to houses of worship for prayer, for community, and to give thanks to the God they believe in.

Let's all give thanks for that. Let's pray that each will live that love every day, spreading it to make our wold a better place.

This post was first shared on FarmVille.

Mixing it up: Gold + purple = friendship

Golden eggs kept popping in FarmVille today.  And that made me start singing that Barney song - you know the one. The the song that never ends.

That's how I see friendship. Sometimes, friendship is intense. Sometimes, less so. But a little care - an invite to chat, an apology, a shared story - can rekindle the spark.

Yet, how many sparks can one person handle at one time?

That's why friendship, like the song, never ends for me.

This blog post started on FarmVille, meaning while playing the game I was inspired to share a thought that went on and on and on. Like the song..

Make New Friends makes me sad today

I see a golden egg while on Facebook playing FarmVille and the song 'Make New Friends' pushes its way to the top of my brain.

"Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other is gold."

 And today, the song makes me sad. This friend thing? How come I still believe every friend is perfect?

Or why do I think people I spend time with are friends who won't harm me. It is scary how long some people carry a grudge or how quickly a new person enters your life enough to stomp your heart flat (thank you Steve Goodman for giving me such a visual representation of hurt.)

More verses are needed. Perhaps, several on keeping friends after making them.

This blog post started on FarmVille.

Bugged: Label of nice

What's bugging me?

I'm trying to decide why the label of 'nice' rankles. I don't like hearing "nice girl" or even "nice blog."

Suddenly, I translate that that nice into milk toast, watery oatmeal, or creamed tuna over mashed potatoes. Nice is what moms label the scribblings of toddlers. That's nice is what husbands who want to keep the peace mutter when wives dare to talk during the endless rounds of TV sports.

Me? I'm not so nice.

This post was started on FarmVille, prompted by completing a bug collection. That completion lets me brag to my friends and give them a chance to get a bug for their collections. Completed collections mean FarmVille coins, points and a reward of fuel. Fuel lets you plant, harvest and plow faster.

Bugged by too much information?

It bugs me that I am right. TMI - too much information - is not just those dreaded reports, those Facebook statuses, that make us shudder. For instance, why would anyone thing anyone wants toknow there is no toilet paper via Facebook, or Twitter or Friendfeed.

TMI also is the running of the mouth, the emptying of the brain and heart, the uncensored thoughts of struggle that reveal far more then intended.

TMI is the speeding police cruiser on my highway of information. Speed and pursuit of a vehicle blinds the officer to obstacles, to signs of warning. Only a crash stops the pursuit. Or a block.

How silly I believed that sharing doubts was OK. How ironic that the last message you send  says don't worry.

This post was started on FarmVille, prompted by completing a bug collection. That completion lets me brag to my friends and give them a chance to get a bug for their collections. Completed collections mean FarmVille coins, points and a reward of fuel. Fuel lets you plant, harvest and plow faster.

Online chats strengthen my marriage

Today, I posted on Facebook a simple message that my husband won't see because he blocks FarmVille:

"27 years ago today, I had friends and family over to celebrate a big step for me: My house. Boy, wasn't that a major step - a single woman buying her own fixer-upper. When people came to the party, most learned that the guy I met through my job three months earlier and I had tied the knot that morning. A mere 12 months later, another surprise - the woman who could never have kids popped out a beautiful 11-pound girl on Leap Year Day. Ain't love grand!"

As we celebrate a marriage that, to his disappointment, I decide every day to continue I realize that contrary to what some believe my online chats with others is why I choose to stay with the greatest man who walks in my community. (His disappointment is that I choose every day, by the way.)

No smooth path here

Like most marriages, we have our ups and downs. But this week two friends helped me understand what fuels the ups.

I was chatting with a long-time friend who asked if my husband minded me being online so. He followed that up with this about a former partner, who had objected to his computer time:

"XXX must have thought I was in some chat room with someone, which was NOT the case!

That's what you call a stop moment: Whoa, am I doing something wrong by chatting online? You know I was recalling the TV and radio shows where spouses link chatting with cheating even though I know my friend and I see our chatting just like shared coffee at Starbucks. Not cheating, but continuing our friendship.

Twice in one week? Anniversary week?

That reminded me that just a few days earlier I discovered a pattern of mine: I meet what I can only call soul mates. Lately, those people are online as my places for physical interaction dwindle. But I've always been fortunate to get to know people who uncover my soul with their questions, their observations and, even, their throwaway remarks. They listen and I listen.

This discovery and the chat question stunned me at first. Am I being unfaithful by chatting with others instead of my husband? Or am I becoming more interesting to him by learning new things about myself, others and the world around me.

Online prompts = insights

For instance, on a recent road trip with my husband his comment about traffic - he's a transportation planner who can tell you the different types of traffic barriers as we go by - reminded me about a recent online discussion on driving in Cairo, Egypt. Who knew that city and its transportation woes was an interest for him? But it led to a very interesting discussion for the next hour.

I cannot imagine we would have ever discussed Cario traffic or that he also would like to visit the area  without this online prompt.

Learning to see

Still, I panicked this week when I recognized that a new friend really isn't all that new. Oh, it is a different person but he is very similar to other angels who have appeared in my life. Recognizing the pattern shocked me into silence and a period of self-hatred for once again failing to achieve the fairy-tale perfection of marriage.

The back and forth centered around my discovery of how American I am despite being certified in several diversity awareness programs.

A dinner at a Arabic restaurant, a remark about the man's photo on my Facebook page during a Facebook 101 class and another friend's remark drove home to me that I might know about different cultures but I don't always act with knowledge.

And all of that made me realize how important treating others right is to me, a core value.

Diversity uncovers what love is

See, nothing confidential, just a deep conversation. But, like a bolt of lightning, I realized that I often have these types of conversations outside my marriage. Am I cheating on my husband this way?

Remember, despite my feminist leanings I did grow up watching Leave It To Beaver, reading Cosmos and listening to fairy tales where the prince is enough for the princess forever and ever. And as a former practicing journalist and long-time online fanatic, I know how addicting someone can be.

I shut down and had to think before I remembered other core beliefs, beliefs like:

• No one person can be your universe
• You are responsible for you, you alone.
• You are responsible for bringing something to the partnership.

Some things don't change

Seeking knowledge, making and keeping friends and sharing online and off is how I survive, how I grow, how I am.

My husband knows that - I finally acknowledged his interest while hosting a birthday party in honor of another friend who wisely suggested I wake up and notice my admirer. (Yes, this designated driver took birthday boy to his home before meeting my husband-to-be for time alone. Yes, birthday boy said later he regretted not waiting a day to share his observation.Yes, birthday boy is/was one of my angels.)

Just like my husband knows writing - in my blogs, in my journal, on Facebook - keep me sane, my husband knows I have to keep interacting. After all, he didn't fall in love with a shy person. He's not going to stay in love with a mouse.

And I'm going to keep on choosing everyday to love him and stay with him through ups and downs, through online and offline friendship, and most of all, through life.

(Happy anniversary to my number one fan)
Related posts include:
My house became a home

Blogging blunders bugging me 'cause the fix is so easy

It bugs me that people don't get the power of language, especially when choosing a name for a web site or blog. What you say, what you choose, matters unless you like being lonely, no one reading your blog, and no one visiting your web site.

If you have a name for something, you have a shorthand for what that something is. But it has to be the right name, one that people will use because when you say it they know what you are saying and can easily repeat it back. The name needs to fit their habits, not yours. It needs to be consistent, with the English language and with your organization.

Power of three

This rant, like most, is prompted by the power of three - three web sites that don't get why choosing a name, a URL is important. So let's be specific without being embarrassing.

• If you're blogging, make your blog title says something.
• If you're blogging on the web, make sure the web address is "normal" and attractive to search engines.
• If you're blogging, do it for more then becoming a part of the trend.

 

Title tempts readers

Your blog title matters because it should tell us what we will find within the blog and, hopefully, it will help us find the blog.

Two Girl Scout councils blogs - GS Blog and Our Blog - got outed on my Facebook stream this week.

I dislike the GS Blog title for three reasons:

• It tells me too little.I already guessed that it would be about Girl Scouts since it was a Girl Scout council telling me about it.
• A blog is a tool, not a title. Most of us don't read a blog because it is a blog but because of the information within - this title doesn't tell me what to expect.
• It assumes too much. I know GS is Girl Scouts, I don't think that's what the average person calls us, thus that's not what they type in at a search engine.

The blog improves at the site, fulfilling a promise to give you the background of the council and sharing good links. I will say that the blog itself uses photos in a compelling away and most entries are written "blog style," not cut and paste press releases.

 

Make it easy to find

I carry less love for the other title, Our Blog, for the reasons above. But there's also the problem of identity. Two different people told me about Our Blog and then gave me the wrong blog addresses. One said the title was Our Blogs, indicating the address was xxx.org/ourblogs. The other neglected to say the URL had a B to start the word blog -- xxx.org/Blog

The organization already offers major challenges with its base web site address (too many s's - go ahead say a word with s's and see if you don't have to say "s as in Sam" to the puzzled and inconsistent use of the word southeastern). But now it complicates matters by requiring users to hit the caps key for Blog in the address. That's unusual for users and search engines (apparently even the one on the site, which won't let you find the blog by typing in Blog or blog.)

Capital letters in web addresses are unexpected by users and search engines. If you type a lower case word in a search, most will return addresses with the lowercase word AND the uppercase word.  So blog gets me results with blog and Blog but Blog only gets me results with Blog.

I'm sure the webmaster will add a redirect page from xxx.org/blog to its xxx.org/Blog. I even expect that the site search will be updated so that typing in the word blog or Blog will get you to the blog. But why not follow the conventional styles of the web. It's up to content creators to serve content consumers if we want the content read.

 

Be consistent

This blog also hits another pet peeve of mine - the lack of care to a page title. So, in this council, the "page" Our Blog sits on has a title of GSXXX Blog, which I like better then the blog title.

Page titles are important to me because:

• They help me find my way to the page via search engines IF the titles match the content and use English the way I speak it.
  
• They help me navigate back to a page via web history IF the titles match the content.
• They give me, a scanner, a way of knowing what to expect on the page.

 

Tell me enough

At least the page title has the council's initials because I can't quite tell who the our is in Our Blog.

 Our Blog is launched with this Facebook comment:

"Snippity snap, we have a blog! There are 7-8 of us bloggers right now, talking about everything from board updates to program updates to xxxx strategic planning! Check out our thoughts and ideas:"

Seriously, I don't mean to be harsh but this just raises more questions for me. Let's start with who are the bloggers so that I know why I should care about their thoughts and ideas. I didn't expect to have a list over on Facebook, but I did think I'd find an intro to the eight who will start of this adventure in the blog itself.

They get points for including people's names and job titles in the blog posts themselves (but those titles are another rant for another day because they tell me little.)

 

Tell me what's coming

But, just as quickly, let's move into what I can expect to find if I take the time to subscribe. Remember the Facebook comment.

There's this from the first entry:

"In an effort to get information across to you quickly and with the utmost transparency, we've decided to start up our very first blog!

Stay tuned as staff, board members, and volunteers update this blog with up-to-date content!   Girl Scouts 4 Life!"

That gets me back to the question of why are you blogging. In these days of multistreams of information, it is important to define what will be found where and use the tools for what they are best at doing.

If you're blogging because it is easier to publish content on a blog then on your site, perhaps someone should look at removing the web site obstacles.

If you're blogging to become transparent, then I expect to find opinions and background and lots of insight while I still have a chance to influence. Giving me the tools to share a blog post isn't enough; give me a place to react, to ask, to share my opinion.

 If you're blogging just to blog, please don't.

What I wish I could give: Change

Zyanga, through FarmVille, asked me: What are you giving away today?

Here's my reply, shared over on Facebook with those who play FarmVille:

I'm giving you a Valentine here, but what I really want to give you is the ability to change. You don't really get a choice on this change thing. So what do you need from me? Words? A virtual hug? Or just someone to listen."

  It's a shame more of us don't accept the fact that change is what happens.

This post started on FarmVille, a social media game that offers the player a prompt and space to share some words while giving neighbors an opportunity to adopt this ugly duckling and wait for it to turn into a beautiful swan.

Believe in the end

An ugly duckling, which I know one day will become a swan, crossed my path today. It inspired me to think and prompted me to share this online:

I've just learned how much I've been feeling like an Ugly Duckling. But God has been thumping me on the head in so many ways that I realize I need to change.

I need to enjoy this time of being an 'ugly duckling' because none of us know just what or when we will transform. In fact, I'm not sure I think we only transform once.

 This post was started on FarmVille, a social media game started on Facebook, that prompts players to share information when posting bonuses, treasures, requests and announcements..

Health rant: Medicine fails on paper, in person

Health care advocacy is so tiring, whether we advocate for ourselves, our family, our friends, or the past.

Forget the battle for a fair, affordable health care plan in the United States. Worry about the loss of family doctors or general practioners in the land of specialization.

Remember the people who are crafting the national policy are the ones who created Medicare, which reimburses doctors, hospitals and pharmacists less then the medical community gets from patients with health insurace through employers or self.

Part D not for dummies

Remember also the people who are writing the details of a plan to ensure those who need help can get it before dying are the same people who created Medicare Part D, a prescription program for our parents, grandparents and others who should gain respect just by the shear fact they've lived past 62.

Instead, the smart guys who created Part D make our people choose a new plan each year - I had 48 plans to consider for my mother, 60 some for my stepdad, and, a high of 84 plans for another person.

That required inputting what medicines at what dosage are being taken now - do you know what prescriptions you'll need next month, much less all year? Then, you chose the plan that covers the most prescriptions, or at least the most expensive prescriptions. Remember, though, there's a clause that says the insurance company can stop covering a drug at anytime.


Part D not for the sick

Let's not forget the donut hole - that area where you get no help from the plan of your choice after you pay. First, you pay a deductible for your drugs and then you get some help from the plan for approved drugs. But once you reach $2,830 in total drug costs (total drug costs, not your share), you get nothing until your out-of-pocket cost reaches $4,550. Then, you usually get all or most of your drug costs covered. The meter is reset each year.


It's easy and scary to find out your drug costs by asking the pharmacy. For instance, one drug I take costs about $1,000 a month and I pay a $20 co-pay. I  pay that same co-pay for drugs that cost less then $10. 

But think back to Medicare Part D. If you need nearly $3000 worth of drugs in less then a year, aren't you sick enough to require help, not ignorance, for the rest of the prescriptions.

So I have no faith in the crafting of a good for me/us national health care policy.

New D - insurance denials

I'm not encouraged either by the insurance industry. January is the month of denials, when people learn that the insurance they thought they had disappeared either correctly or wrong. First notification comes when the pharmacist asks for $525 instead of an expected $25 co-pay.Blame all the new year changes that sneak in.

This is also when you review the expeneses of the past years as you prepare for taxes. I confess that I cried while sorting out what went where for what. Perhaps broken toes highten my sensitivity. But paying for and tracking my daughter's treatment of breast cancer continues to annoy - doctors and institutions that don't send itemized bills, or bill the wrong insurance or forget to bill until months down the ine.

Calling for 1 doctor

Equally disappointing is how the changes in distributing medicine in this century can harm us unless we are our own medical advocate, staying ontop of the literature and medical advances.

For instance, a new issue of Neurology talks about the possibility of bone problems for those who have multiple sclerosis. The scariest phrase for me is "Even most neurologists don't know about this." Oh, we should?

Certainly, I've never told mine that I've been breaking toes and the same foot over and over and over this past year. 

For the record, on Thursday a doctor suggested I up my intake of Vitamin D to counter what's become an ongoing problem.. On Friday, I broke a few toes. On Saturday, I get a magazine that says those with multiple sclerosis are at risk of bad bones and should up their Vitamin D.


Did we hurt ourselves when we lost family doctors, someone who knew us, our family. Have we lost in this age of specialization - each doctor treating parts with coordination staying with the patient?

I'm overdue for a visit with the man I believe in charge of my multiple sclerosis. (A big snowstorm meant I canceled the last appointment; some expect an earthquake in March in Michigan will prevent the next one.)  So this new development worries me.


I like the doctors in my medicine stable and enjoy their williness to avoid duplication via sharing of records. But I hate going to all of them, to any of them. I never know what to say to which one despite notes. And, after all of these years, I still can't tell when it is time to get their help and not rely on their previous advice.

Tell the guy who specializes in the nervous system about my poor foot and toes? Tell the foot doctor about an eye problem? The eye guy about .....

Many days, I want to return to the doctor who treated me as a child. He knew my parents and grandparents so I didn't have to remidn him which of those were diabetic. He knew. I'm sure I wouldn't have to remember what to tell him other doctors treated because I'd be at a one-stop shop, which sounds very good today.

Right now, I'm looking for something to stop the aching toes, knowing that only time, especially time off my feet, will remove that challenge.

Eye on media: Citizen journalism team questions Grand Rapids Press reporter

A guy who likes asking questions is on the other side of the interview table this time around.

James Sanford, once of the Kalamazoo Gazette, shared this: "Insightful interview with my good friend and former Gazette co-worker Chris Knape, who is now the business big-wheel at the Grand Rapids Press.

In The Rapidan, a citizen journalism project I've mentioned before asks the questions in:On the Record: Chris Knape | The Rapidian

Label lust:: Two dears, a hon and a Mary

I try to believe it doesn't matter what you call me as long as you call me on time for dinner. But when I hear some of the things you call me, oh my.

I have an unusual name. OK, a lot of names. Even I admit Mary Ann Chick Whiteside is long and often shorten it to mcwflint online..  But it is still my name and I have a right to be called what I want, what I expect.

In fact, a telephone call that begins with Mary quickly clues me in that the likelihood that this is an unwanted call is high. I prefer that folks call me Mary Ann and I usually try to correct those I want hanging around in my life.If they don't remember that after awhile, I get that they don't really want me around.

I am getting much better at gliding past the Mrs. Lawrence Whiteside from those of a certain era. (Yes, it starts "you can't enlighten the dead" rolling through my head.) And, I rarely donate money for the thrill of seeing my name in a program book that heads to the recycling factory.

I'm getting used to hon and sweetie by those I'm not married to, but ma'am still feels like a sucker punch. That ma'am - that's for people who command respect merely because of their age. It quickly turns me from the young woman in that famous illusion into that old woman in the famous illusion. (Take a break - look at the possible lineage of that classic illustration.)

Still I was surprised how hurtful a recent dearie was.Even more surprising was to get two dearies in one day and realizing that I'd always heard a blessing in the label from this person.

But hearing the label recently from a new acquaintance brought up another image for me: An old woman's face, all crinkly and smiley and wrinklely, the type that generates offers of help across the street from the nearest, kindest stranger.

That dear, that dearie, magically switched my hands with the hands of my grandmother in her latest years, her last years.

Still, at the end of the day? I'll take dear over ma'am any day ... and please don't forgot to call me for dinner.

Part 2: I blame Louis Gray

Blame the soon-to-be canceled Ugly Betty show for its recent episode on blogging  and its reminder that audience size does not matter if your goal is to influence just one person.

Or blame Jim Hopkins whose painful exit from blogging about one media company led to a sharper, broader return to blogging about three media companies.

But mostly, you'll have to blame Louis Gray who once told his followers I give pretty good FriendFeed. for this public outpouring of the thoughts, guilt, insights, etc.

Yes, blame the guy who routinely has sucked me into the future with his teasing introductions of new tools and services. I don't know I need.

Louis Gray knows that I blame him and he did apologize for making my exit from blogging and most Internet things tough. (I'm sure the smiley face was a mistake, right?)

Let's be fair, though. LG, as he's branded himself, did not call or send an electronic message begging my return.. I'd bet big money (oh, wait, I don't have that anymore) that he did not even notice I stopped blogging, Tweeting, FriendFeeding, and leaving reactions to his blog posts and shared links.


Validation by IM

I got that apology only because I had the audacity to see that he was online one night and IM'd  a question that's been bothering me for about a year: Does it bother him when I keep quoting him?

But what I was really asking is "have I become an online stalker, a nuisance, an annoyance?" He's good at saying the right thing, at leveling the playing field, at valuing people as people.

"We're all groupies, he said, in that post-midnight talk. That's shorthand for the reminder that public adoration by linking is what people who write on the Internet do.

Forgiveness please

Then, because I'm trying to acknowledge the good in my life I lied to Louis Gray. At the time, I believed that I would never share this next part of the conversation, the part that led to the apology..

I don't have the original conversation saved but the gist is I blamed him for sucking me back into blogging, or at least wanting to shares what I know about technology and communication to benefit others.

Perhaps, I should blame Facebook.

Since I planned to finish the booked  Facebook 101 for Girl Scout classes and move out of all-things techie. I stopped opening Google Reader and Feedly and using most of the Internet tools like Twitter, StumbleUpon and Digg.

But I kept using Facebook where Louis Gray is my friend (no, really, through his regular account even as others dropped me when the businesses did). But, for at least six weeks I ignored all of the postings and links from the guy who never sleeps.

Then, Facebook rolled out its new home page and Louis Gray's postings popped up because, of course, my settings were tossed by the developers who must know me better then I know myself.

Facebook fuels blame

The latest redesign makes me blame Louis Gray for unfinished quilts, sad FarmVille neighbors and fewer updates on the latest communication vehicle I've created for Girl Scouts.

I blame Louis Gray because he writes intriguing headlines.

I blame Louis Gray because he culls the best posts on subjects I don't want to be interested in anymore because I don't want to see the possibilities.

 I blame Louis Gray because he is ethical, transparent, and a good writer.


I blame Louis Gray because he is the father of twins, romantic and funny. (Somehow, that makes him more real and not just virtual. It  encourages me to share the inside openly.)

I blame Louis Gray for knowing how to become a bag of popcorn that I can't stop eating.

On Friday, one headline on Facebook caught my eye and I clicked. More links winked.Then, I binged on Louis Gray. I stuffed myself , chasing his links and posts. I raced through his endless bucket, catching up on a teen blogger who accepted gifts, the Twitter world, the Friendfeed frenzy, on and on and on.

My head hurt. My heart raced. My fingers ached.

Slicing via stealing

Plus, I blame Louis Gray because he steals thoughts from my brain before I have formulated them into a coherent structure. I hate how he slices through the clutter of excuses.Take The Burning Drive to Never Settle: Refuse to Compromise. I keep reading it, sharing it:

"I hate losing. I hate not seeing a result be as good as it possibly could be. I hate turning in a project or a product that is not to the best it could be. I believe in executing quickly, but not if it means sacrificing personal responsibility or standards.

 He yanked that out of my brain and then he echoed another thought:

 "And I know I am just as competitive out of the office or off the Web, making sure I win at cards or board games, or beat my friends at bowling. If I don't, then I'll know where I screwed up, and remember it the next time I get a chance to redeem myself."

 Look, bowling holds too many bad memories for me, but have you seen what I'm doing on FarmVille.  (Though I think it is a little scary that I quoted Louis Gray last night in the game.)

Louis Gray drags more out:

"It is a lifelong race that has no finish line ...  but I do not want to be second-best. I want to win on virtue of being consistent, driving quality, thinking in a way that is differentiated, and being active in a beneficial way in as many places as I can to distribute value.

"If you can achieve, never accept the opportunity to not do your best, and expect the same from everyone."

I blame Louis Gray.for starting the binge that made me realize " Never Settle: Refuse to Compromise"

You can blame Louis Gray for me doing more before cremation.

-------
Note: I started explaining my return in  Part 1: Ending the Great Escape

Before I published this, I told Louis Gray I had decided to write about our conversation and offered him a first look. He declined (that sounds much colder then it was). Those actions won't surprise anyone who knows us.

Related posts: 

I've written about Louis Gray before, including this post on "Stalking or Starving" that let me learn what it's like when someone follows your Twitter, Facebook, FriendFeed and LinkIn profile on the same day. 

There was The past creates shadows on on today and  No secrets: Sharing insights, goals helps all, which was about mapping your social interactions. 

Gray snuck into Something special: Looking back at newspaper careers and  sparked Jealousy over blog post leads to reflection. He's inspired other posts, but I try hard not to be his echo chamber.


Note: This post was updated  2/9/10 to correct some grammar and typos. I added why it matters that he's a romantic father and confessed that he is in more then five posts. More confession? My bucket list is shorter because I got something better then a face-to-face space with him.


By the way, feel free to click on that email link when you find those errors in anything I write if you don't want to embarrass me in public comments. I love copy editors.

Part I: Ending the great escape.

I'm listening to my husband and letting you know I'm coming back from the "gone fishing" break I didn't plan to take.

At first, I believed I was merely taking a blog break. Lots of company there and each announcement of "no more blogging" bolstered the idea of just stopping this sharing of thoughts.

Yet it was not trendiness that drew me into this dumping of words in one place on the Internet.

And this lull of nothingness was not just a blog break. Instead, it became a vacation from major parts of the Internet - from this blog, Google Reader, Twitter, Friendfeed, even email. Worse yet, not just some email but all mail accounts. Me, the woman who used to eagerly rush to remove all bold from the log in PINE or  erase a number next to the Facebook Inbox.

Why? Depression? Busyiness? Nothing left to say (stop laughing now. I was just getting used to the idea that I can speak up on ANYTHING anytime now that I've left a newspaper career behind.)

Then I wrote "I don't know why I escaped from all that" in the first draft and knew my answer.

Tough, tough, tough

This transparency stuff is tough. This interactive stuff is tough. This writing stuff is (still) tough.

I make it harder on myself. For example, knowing some come here only for more on Advance Publications - Newhouse newspapers - Booth - etc. - I strive to keep up with it all, to share it all fairly. I make myself email or call the head honchos for their sides. I try to ensure I don't accidentally reveal what I should not know because someone posted an opinion in Facebook or Twitter or ... I try to protect those who share information - ensuring I've looked at multiple buyout/layout letters before quoting one, that I have permission to use names.

I make that same effort on other subjects. Instead of writing about the absurdity of titles on one Girl Scout council's staff list, I go looking for a council doing it right. Miss Pollyanna Positive still.. Plus, I cannot believe that my opinion about Twitter or Facebook or social gaming can stand on its own and go looking for items to quote for backup.

It's a blog, you know

I know it is just a blog and that I could just write.This attribution thing, this protection thing - not expected by anyone in just a blog..

But I know that's a lie even as I write it - the blog is just the printing press; the material published through it still needs to meet the standards of accuracy, of fairness, of believability. Why? Because that is who I am, or at least who I strive to be - a person proud of the image staring back from the mirror. Even on the days I don't like the outward wrappings of me, I need to like what is me.

Yeah, I can't get rid of the idea of journalism ideals that must have been ingrained in me at birth even as my heart shatters over the dismantling of the news industry. I cannot say goodbye to one more friend whose dismissal from the business wears a costume of buyout or, worse yet, layoff. (Yeah, like those people will ever be hired back.)


No more journalism

This year, yes, 2010, is the year I have to wipe out the lifelong commitment to journalism. There is no chance of returning to the news business. There is no room for me in the established newspaper, online business, or journalism classroom for me.

I cannot continue to become excited when I see opportunities written with my name on them, when mail from a news organization comes here. The high is too soon followed by a drop.

Yet, really what else do I know but gathering stories and communicating. I crush  new-found friends with questions, not content to trade casual comments without knowing more. (Yes, Google and Bing are this addict's enablers.)

Belly fire quenched

I lost the fire in the belly to create a new organization, a new way of sharing news even as I envy the partnering of Jay Rosen and Dave Winer. Perhaps it is watching others start off so enthusiastically and then their flames slowly disappear, crushed by paperwork, regulations, and profit and loss statements. Perhaps it is the overwhelming number of blogs about journalism, grant-funded projects, and research that seem to produce nothing beyond words.

My dream slipped into a nightmare  ... Someone else can  pull to together the diversity of information and chunk it for busy news professionals, to convert the academic-ese into day-to-day newsroom English, to translate the hottest finds from the geeks, the early adopters into usable, understandable tools for journalists who duck math with pride.

Or perhaps it is more personal, a fatigue I should expect because of the effort spent on my daughter's battle against cancer, health insurance and life. There's more. And there's that multiple sclerosis thing that seems determined to make walking and seeing a challenge now that I have time for both.

So I escaped. From the blog. From the blogs. From the Tweets. From you. All of you.

Updated with links, correct names and better spelling and grammar 2/8/10  11 a.m.

Knight Foundation funding two more Michigan news projects

 Two Michigan organizations will benefit from the Knight Foundation's effort continued its quest to fill a growing void of news.

The John S. and James L. Knight Foundation announced Jan. 13 that 24 projects will receive  $4.3 million.

From the press release:

Recipient: Community Foundation for Southeast Michigan

Project: GreenSpace
Award: $352,000
To encourage support for creating more livable communities, this grant will develop an information hub for the seven-county region of southeast Michigan that will inform residents about how to be good stewards of the area’s natural resources.

The “GreenSpace” project will bring together all the available information on the topic – benefitting anyone from a family searching for a place to hike or bike, to a resident advocating for more parks and recreation and a government official developing land use policy. The hub will encourage users to contribute content and share links to information, helping to nurture leadership and action on important issues.

(Mary Ann here: The seven counties in this southeastern Michigan are: Wayne, Oakland, Macomb, Monroe, Washtenaw, St. Clair and Livingston counties.)

Recipient: Michigan’s Children, a partner of The Skillman Foundation  

Project: KidSpeak Neighborhood News
Award: $126,000
As a way to boost involvement in Detroit issues, this grant will help create a multi-media youth news service, where student reports will focus on neighborhoods and schools.

Close to 40 percent of Detroit’s population is functionally illiterate, and many Detroit parents lack a high school diploma – creating obstacles to their children’s success. Also, many low-income families don’t have the Internet access that could bring them vital information about their communities.

Engaging families by providing opportunities for their children to create high quality content will help fill the communications gap, bring young voices into public debate and empower residents and communities to create positive changes.

Details on the other  projects are posted on the Knight Foundation's web site.

True story: Confessions of a tree killer

The blog is called Chattering Teeth and is worth a visit just for a look at the teeth. The author often confesses to a poor grasp of grammar and those pesty commas. Today he explains a brief blogging vacation while trying to make sense of his farewell. I'm just shocked Obama wasn't blamed :), which if you poke around the blog you'll understand why I said this.*

What makes this a different from most blog posts on a newspaper layoff is the author is finishing up 30 years on the circulation/distribution side of the business. The blog author started as a carrier, and made it up to circulation director at The Flint Journal, one of the many Advance Publications cutting back.

Read Confessions of a Tree Killer to learn more about one of the latest victims of the continuing decline of the newspaper industry. Jumping over a taller bar, and even winning at a new goal wasn't enough for the guy who had delivered "you're leaving" speeches in 2009.

The blog author and three others at The Flint Journal learned last Friday that their services would not be needed at the Newhouse organization. That includes Bonnie Raymond,** who most recently worked in human resources, in Michigan newspaper layoffs hit central Michigan. That's the same day similar notices were delivered to three full-time employees at The Jackson Citizen Patriot, at least 90 at the Kalamazoo Gazette, 65 at the Grand Rapids Press and at least 16 *** at the Muskegon Chronicle.

The Grand Rapis Press farewells include 15 in the newsroom.  In Kalamazoo, WWMT: interviewed Gazette worker Greg Dykstra who said  "There's 70 of us in my department alone, we were together everyday. We worked hard to get the paper out." The TV station posed as short video and report.

* The words in italics were added after the inital posting.)


** Yes, I do know the names of the others at The Journal and some from the other Advance Pubication newspapers. But I ask first and haven't heard back from everyone.


*** Another employee was transferred, which led to another employee's layoff.